Weekends are hard for me. I feel unmoored, even though I’m a freelancer and I stay at home–weekends are still weekends for the rest of the world and for some reason, food-wise, I come unhinged and can’t seem to control myself. Yesterday, in particular, was one of those days where I couldn’t stand my skin touching together, the fold in my thighs, the roll of my stomach. I looked at my face and saw HUGE written on it. I overate because I’m making sure I don’t restrict, but I can’t seem to find the balance of eating only when I’m hungry and this makes me so anxious I can hardly stand it. And so, so, so cranky. My poor boyfriend.
So this makes me think: maybe I’m hungry for something else during this time. I’m bored, I’m needy, I want attention, I want love. I’m not sure what it is exactly I want– reprieve from my mind? The whole mindless eating tells me that I’m not honoring something. I am on deadline, so I’m sure it has to do with the anxiety of finishing, but mostly, the anxiety of NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH. And, this is a huge belief that I’ve developed and reinforced over years and years: I am not good enough.
I got some news that two of my writer friends have sold their books. I’m over the moon for them and super upset for myself. I can’t seem to finish my own book because of time and perfectionism. And this, I believe, is part of that “not good enough” core belief I can’t seem to shake. This belief is holding me back from the life I want–after all, if I’m not good enough, why even try? Why try to do things I love if I’m just going to mess it up? This belief stops me from finishing my own work, from even believing that I can. In the meantime, I take on projects that are fun, but that aren’t MINE and there is some metaphor in there somewhere. A metaphor that says I’m not honoring myself and my needs and feeds that awful little “Not good enough” voice that echoes through my head. To counteract, I overfeed myself for comfort. Or, in restricting times, I punish myself by not eating.
Trying to tackle that core belief is overwhelming. So, I’m going to take things slowly. Per week, I’m going to add something to my recovery that will feed my soul and diminish that “not good enough” core belief, while always always always trying to listen to my body (not mind!) and hear what it needs. For this week:
1. Everyday, say into the mirror: I accept myself unconditionally, right now. Eventually, I will believe it. Right?
2. Add one page of my own writing, or give myself a half hour of thinking/planning time.
3. Find time to listen to the audiobook my friend gave me. It’s called “Radical Self-acceptance.” Yes, please. I’d like some of that. 🙂
Writing will help relieve some of my anxiety that I’m being left behind and am failing at my career. But that thought alone needs to die on the vine–it stems from a place of comparison. I am going to strive to work on my own writing because it gives me pleasure and because it feeds MY soul. With no other end goal in mind, this is why I’ll write. Because I like my idea and I want to finish my project.
So there you have it! Each week, I’m going to try to add another thing to work toward recovery. My inclination is to go all the way (hellooooo extreme thinking) and take on everything at once. But that is untenable and not realistic so I’m going to be gentle with myself and just add to the list. On this blog, I’ll share the struggles and then add things that have been wonderful. Because life has both, right?
My struggles this week: Body image. Always. Learning to put aside the idea that I’ll be at the weight I was at my lowest. Counting calories–uffda! Overeating when I’m unfulfilled in another area. Did I mention body image? 🙂 Feeling not good enough and procrastinating.
My triumphs/what I loved about myself: I get these ideas in my head to do things and this week, it was to start a habit of asking my boyfriend and having him ask me five questions about ourselves. First, my boyfriend is possibly the loveliest man in the world to go along with me on this. But more importantly for me: I used these questions to ask for what I wanted from him (assurance that I am attractive to him). And I realized that the act of forming these questions is something I really like about myself. I have an obsessive mind, yes, but it is damn formidable! And when I use it for the good, well, that’s pretty effing cool. I am always looking to make things better for myself and others and this is a good thing. So, there’s a triumph! I like something about myself. I am, in this way, GOOD ENOUGH.
All right, I actually have a project I’m WAY behind on (procrastinating is another post for another day–HA!). So, on to that. I wish you a happy, healthy, soul-renewing day. You are good enough. You are perfect, just being you. I mean it. You are.