Letting Go

intuitiveeating

Hellooooo my lovelies! How are you on this fine Monday?

Yesterday I was productive and I feel so much better when I get work done. I have two months of crazy amounts of work which could be good or bad for me. I start teaching a class in January–a class I LOVE–but I am nervous because last year when I taught it, I was about 40 pounds thinner and happier with myself. If that’s such a thing. Will I have the same joie de vivre I had last year? I hope so.

Thoughts like that make me want to fight–but which way is the key. I alternate between wanting to fight with the usual restriction, calorie counting, exercise, etc. Trying to fit my body into my clothes from last year. Or to fight by just . . . . letting go. So much easier said than done, but sometimes when I’m so exhausted, I just wonder if I could do it.

Just eat. Just let myself eat, with no judgments. Let what happens to my body happen.

I bought the book above and am reading through it when my eating disorder is exhausting enough to consider other ways. The book tells you things you know, but it’s still good to read and be reminded. And to hear the science behind it. It’s truly an awesome book. And, you think, maybe I can do this?

But that brings up a scary question: Who am I without my eating disorder?

And: What if my “natural” weight isn’t one I like?

And: What if my boyfriend/everyone in the world doesn’t find me attractive?

The last one is where social justice kicks in for me. Because it isn’t fucking fair that we have these systems. Yes, I am genetically predisposed to have an eating disorder. Yes, trauma helped me find those synaptic pathways to cementing it. But I also don’t live in a vacuum: what is prized in this world for a woman is thinness. Prettiness. You’re not worth anything if you’re a woman, when all is said and done, unless you look good. Well. That blows.

Check out this video and let’s live this, goddamn it! 🙂

Pretty

 

Advertisements

About kickingitedstyle

I am a thirty-something ass kicker who also happens to have an ED. And two cats. And an awesome boyfriend, etc.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 17 other followers

Tags

Blog Stats

  • 1,350 hits
traveleum

#travel #photo #blog

Bucket List Publications

Indulge- Travel, Adventure, & New Experiences

Morticia the Cat

An eccentric creature with a passion for film

effortlessly perfect

The never-ending journey toward the unreachable...

Uncovering Life

Creating Light From Darkness

Have your cake and eat it

if only I could take my own advice

the dance theorem

Using WordPress.com to paint wordscapes

eatingdisorderfreedom

My journey from eating dissorder hell to freedom

quite nourished

my graciously imperfect journey to being fit, fed, and free

workingoutmyway

My 30 day challenge begins...now!

southafricanstylediary.wordpress.com/

A South African Style Blog by Penelope Robertson

Nurul's Culinary Adventures

Food, Travel & Recipes

Its about food, its about eating, its about time

Embarking on a journey. Beating eating disorders with food and becoming a culinary professional...

Kicking It Eating Disorder Style, Thirties and Beyond Edition

Recovery and ED Musings for those of us swimming through "adulthood."

%d bloggers like this: