Uffda. Soooo . . . I’m REALLY trying this Intuitive Eating approach and trying not to feel like I’m out of control. I’m letting myself eat what I want–no exceptions–and trying very hard not to count the calories. I am also trying to check in with my stomach to see if I’m truly hungry.
For breakfast today: chips and salsa and chocolate chips.
And I’m seriously OK with it. I don’t need a snack because I’m not hungry. I’m guessing I’ll be hungry in an hour or so and I’ll eat. It doesn’t feel like overeating, exactly. It just feels strange to let myself have what I want.
This is working for me right now, I think, because when the voices come, I just tell them I’m trying something new. That restricting isn’t an option right now. I can always go back to that later. And besides, I’m so glad I don’t have that gnawing, aching, desperate feeling that restriction brings. And then the shame and disappointment when I give in and eat or binge. It’s so . . . nice . . . to just do what I want.
If I could just stay in this little bubble, it would be great. But there are two big triggers coming up for me. One today and one very soon.
Today is my check up at my treatment center with my doctor. I have gained a significant amount of weight and I will have to be weighed there. I have this weird shame about that–I was always a little proud when I would go in and my weight would be lower. I was proud that I was so disciplined I was worrying my doctor. I LIKED having abnormal labs. It meant something was working. It meant I was trying hard and doing something. Today, the worry may be about how much weight I’ve gained. This is a huge trigger to me.
The second trigger is clothes shopping. You see, I can’t fit into any of my old clothes now. I have to shop for the body I have instead of trying to cram it into ill-fitting clothes (metaphor, anyone?). Just seeing the size I have to buy is going to be a trigger to me. I want so very badly to be at that old place I was again. And when I teach my class in January, I wish so very much that I was the weight I was when I taught last year.
But, all of it doesn’t matter. I need to repair my body. Honor how it feels and not how it looks. Stop obsessing over everything and do what feels good. When I can start exercising again, I think I’m going to try kickboxing because I always feel like a badass when I can do that. Plus, I need to punch some of this frustration out. 🙂
Wish me luck for these upcoming triggers. I wish YOU the strength, too, to kick the ass of all your troubles!!!