If you do not have an eating disorder, going to the supermarket, I’d imagine, is just something you do. And might even be enjoyable.
I actually love going into a Whole Foods or one of my local co-ops and just wandering around. It makes me feel so good–I have no idea why. I just like the thought of getting natural products and of getting things good (or at least better) for my body. Which is HYSTERICAL because on any given day, I hurt my body in a few different ways.
When your eating disorder takes over, the supermarket is like an effing slasher film, and you are constantly running in the woods and tripping. Last night, I was way in my eating disorder and we went to the grocery store. Sigh.
To back up: So, my last post was about triggers and sure enough, yesterday I was triggered in a major way. First, doctor’s appointment. They didn’t weigh me because of my ankle, but just being there made me feel awful. Second, I saw a girl who was in my partial hospitalization group and she looked SO. SKINNY.
And I looked SO FAT. About 25 pounds fatter than the last time I saw her. (P.S. I’m so sorry if this language is a trigger for you! I try not to use this language unless it’s accurately describing how I view myself at the moment).
Not to mention, I am only wearing clothes I can fit in, which are sweats and sweatshirts. I hadn’t showered. And I’m on a crutch, hobbling like a madwoman.
Yellooooooo, Trigger. Nice to see you.
After the appointment, my poor boyfriend and I went to the store. My fellow EDers, do you know this feeling? I had devil and angel wrestling in my head: Intuitive Eating vs. ED! Rumble rumble rumble!
I would pick something up, check the calories, put it down. Then pick it up again. Chew on my fingernails. Put it in my cart. Ask my boyfriend to put it back. I’d say we needed to get this–then change my mind mid-stream, because surely that’s too many calories? I bought binge foods to purge (and I don’t purge!), and low-calorie things to help myself restrict. Right alongside sensible, perfectly reasonable food items that gave me heart palpitations. Peanut butter. To see me staring at the peanut butter in that store, you’d have thought it killed my mother. No side won in that battle by the way. I didn’t do intuitive eating because I didn’t get exactly what I wanted, and ED didn’t win because I got food I normally would never get. It was a lose-lose.
And it’s INSANE!! Whenever I convince myself that I don’t have an eating disorder, I just need to go the grocery store in that state of mind. I know that this is a mental illness–I know this. But at 38 years old, I am so tired of not being able to feed myself. What adult can’t feed themselves?
So, I had this whole day planned today to binge and try purging–because that’s brilliant, right?–and to see if maybe, just maybe I could restrict a little bit. Just a little. But boyfriend called in sick today and I no have accountability. I don’t think he knows the battle raging in my head, but he must have some sort of intuition. I love that man. I wish he’d leave. 🙂
OK, any of you readers out there, I promise I will be safe. My nefarious plans have been thwarted and probably will be for the amount of time it will take me to get a hold of myself. But if I’m being safe, you be safe too! Deal?