I have been struggling these past couple of days, but I think this is a good thing. See, I saw my friend who looked very skinny and I looked at myself in the mirror and all I could see was someone very fat . . . And I had the standard, panic thoughts to restrict, to purge in some way, to exercise, somehow.
And then I got tired. I’m just tired of it all. I want to let it go. When I restrict and purge and do all that, it’s true I feel less anxious in some ways. I feel calmer. More in control. Sexier. I have a purpose, a plan. I know what I’m doing and I’m comfortable there because this is what I’ve done before. For pretty much my whole life. This has been my whole life.
During those times, though, I also feel desperate, consumed, obsessed, angry, sad, and ironically, also crazy anxious. Physically, because I’ve done so much damage to my body, I take my heart rate and check for chest pains for the heart attack I know is coming. I can’t concentrate. I wantwantwant and I’m fightingfightingfighting.
So, that’s fucking exhausting. And crazymaking.
I watched a film the other day called, HUNGRY FOR CHANGE. Now, there is a lot in there that I can’t or wouldn’t want to do right away. But there’s a lot I can do. Starting with the hardest but most crucial part: Saying in the mirror every day “I accept myself unconditionally right now.” Cheesy or not, the idea is revolutionary.
This is difficult to do. I have a hard time looking myself in the eyes. But I WANT to do that–life is so short, and I’m tired of hating myself through it. I’m all I’ve got at the end of the day! And, you know what? I’m pretty awesome. I really am. I don’t fit the conventional beauty stereotype, but who cares? Seriously. I have a lot going for me in many, many ways.
With these thoughts, I’ve decided to try to be nice to my body. I’m going to stop trying to lose weight. I’m going to eat based on how eating that food at that time makes me feel. Seriously. I’m going to buy clothes that fit and just make peace (on a daily basis–and believe me, I know this will be a struggle) with who I am right now, today. And I’m going to start writing love letters to my body and my soul. I’m going to thank my body everyday for being so wonderful with words and with food–good food. I’m going to do something for myself that allows me to just be.
In fact, I think I may call this the year of “balance.” Maybe I’ll change the blog name. 🙂