It’s been a week since I last wrote a post! I’ve been so back and forth ED-wise, I haven’t felt like I could write something either coherent or helpful.
Last week was a little crazy. I had two days of major restricting and then two days of binging. Imagine that. I was SO frustrated with myself. I weighed myself, too, and am very unhappy with the results. Worse, I still haven’t told my BF about the scale. I can’t seem to, even though I really am in a better place and have been for a few days now.
I keep trying to check in with my body to see if I’m hungry. The problem is, when I give myself permission to eat, my mind wants to eat all the time. I’m bored/anxious/angry/upset/happy/confused . . . all of these emotions demand that I eat. And then I overeat and feel bad about myself and undereat to relieve that anxiety. None of that works.
Changing 30-year ingrained synapses is a difficulty task. And . . . here come the holidays!! I’ve been successful in breaking my Coke Zero/soda habit and looking toward health when I eat, but with the holidays, who knows what food challenges I’ll be facing. I desperately (and eventually) want to cut out sugar in my life as much as I can. That is nearly impossible in general but during the holidays, well, it IS impossible for me. And then I wonder: am I cutting out sugar because it’s a toxic substance or is this eating disordered? I think it’s a little bit of both.
I had some amazingly good news this week (amidst all the darkness of the shooting)–I can start walking on my ankle again. I have foregone crutches and am slowly weaning myself off of the boot. That’s so exciting!!! I actually cried when I was told about it. I haven’t walked on my ankle for 3 months. My life has turned upside down and this is the beginning of some normalcy, I hope. In a few weeks, I should be able to drive. I am hoping to be able to start taking long walks. It’s amazing how much your body can atrophy when you don’t use it–my right leg is a peg leg and I can barely bend my ankle. This is going to be a long haul. But I am SOOOOOO glad I’m finally hauling it.
But to the crux of the matter for me this past week: the tragedy of Newtown. I cannot wrap my head around it; I cannot understand it. Like almost everyone in this country, this has kicked me in the core. I have started thinking, like I believe we all have, about life. I can’t stop crying every time I hear an update on this tragedy, on these families. On these children who lost their short lives. It’s unfathomable. However, all of this, for some strange reason, has filled me with a burning desire to have children. I have been wavering on that front for some time now. But after this, I want children very badly. You’d think it would be the opposite, but it isn’t. And this thought alone makes me recovery focused. Not only do I need to treat my body well enough to carry and nurture another life, but I also want to make sure that if I do have kids, I can forestall any ED by modeling good, healthy, eating behaviors. It may be too late– I may have damaged my body beyond repair. Regardless, I think it’s time to get super serious about recovery. I want to bring life into this world. I want to bring light and joy. And I can only do that if I fill myself up first.
To you all out there: Stay safe. Stay in the light.