Do you know what’s delicious? Ezekiel 4:9 Flax Bread. It’s fantastic. And it’s great for you! I’ve been having that everyday with some almond butter. I’ve also been making myself these awesome smoothies with kale and parsley and apples, bananas, dates, and almond milk. They’re amazing. I’ve been eating like a champ lately–meaning, eating things that are good for me–with the exception of last night when I had a veggie burger and fries. But, I keep telling myself, that’s NORMAL.
However, I cannot quiet these eating disorder voices. Fat fat fat fat fat. That’s what’s running through my head constantly. This wedding coming up is going to kill me. All those photos . . . It’s not MY wedding, btw, but I am officiating it. Which means, I’ll be in a shitload of photos. Yikes. I am crawling out of the skin I’m in, thinking back to those days when I could fit into the clothes I love. I just had to buy a larger size of underwear. So hard.
I’ve thought about going back to therapy, but really, my behaviors have trickled out. I sometimes eat too much, and sometimes eat too little, but it’s nothing like it was before. I probably WOULD over exercise if I could, but it’s all I can do to walk across campus to my class with my ankle as it is. I was going to go to the gym yesterday but I could barely walk. Maybe that’s a good thing, though it fills me with anxiety.
I keep trying to notice things so that I can keep up this way of eating. I have energy. I am not constantly full or constantly wanting. I allow myself to eat what I want and I try really hard to think of how what I’m going to eat will make me FEEL. My period is regular again and on the dot 28 days. My hair has life. My skin has color. I can think of things other than food.
I am just not sure how to conquer these voices. Therapy seems slightly ludicrous to me at the moment. Sitting down (again) with someone and explaining my story and just sort of going over the same thing . . . It doesn’t sound helpful. So I guess I’ll just try to talk back to myself. Try to remember that whatever weight I am, I am still me and deserve love, life, and happiness. Just for being. Just like everyone else.
Any good ideas out there on how to shut out the mean voice in your head?