Everything, food-wise, falls apart for me on the weekends. The awesome, healthy smoothies I’ve been eating (drinking)? Gone. Gluten? Eaten. Sugar? WAAAYYYYY eaten.

Back on the wagon today, my friends. With a healthy dose of self-loathing.

One of the reasons I ate gluten was because of my awesome friends. See, last year, I was in the throes of a restriction and I didn’t eat for three days. I couldn’t move my legs well by the end of the three days and the diet pill I took had made my heart rate spike. I landed in the hospital. Even there, I couldn’t eat because of ED.

When I got out, my therapist suggested I eat with my friends every day, so that everyone would make sure I was eating. So I did. And IT SUCKED. For everyone! The power dynamic of the friendships, the time it took, the feeling like I was in trouble . . . Needless to say, this didn’t last long. I continued to struggle, but I ate, just to avoid this.

The long-term consequences involve a knee-jerk panic on the part of my friends if I decide not to eat something around them. This Saturday, we were out at a restaurant, and I’d had PLENTY to eat that day and in fact, had had some toast. But, when I said I wasn’t going to eat dinner because I was full from the toast, they immediately jumped on it and wouldn’t allow that as a dinner. They are beautiful, wonderful friends. But it messed me up.

I’m trying very hard to eat when I’m hungry and all that went out the window this weekend. Eating gluten and flour really makes me crave sugar. The non-structure of weekends gives me license to go nuts with the food. And then the self-loathing comes in.

On a separate note, I am very upset I didn’t go to the gym this morning. I need to get into a routine that way. Just the act will ease my anxiety but for some reason, I cannot get that going. Actually, the reason is my ankle, but that has to be pushed through, I think.

Ah well. The weekends. It’s Monday now. Time to get back into the smoothies. 🙂


About kickingitedstyle

I am a thirty-something ass kicker who also happens to have an ED. And two cats. And an awesome boyfriend, etc.

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