Letting Go

Hellooooo my lovelies! How are you on this fine Monday?

Yesterday I was productive and I feel so much better when I get work done. I have two months of crazy amounts of work which could be good or bad for me. I start teaching a class in January–a class I LOVE–but I am nervous because last year when I taught it, I was about 40 pounds thinner and happier with myself. If that’s such a thing. Will I have the same joie de vivre I had last year? I hope so.

Thoughts like that make me want to fight–but which way is the key. I alternate between wanting to fight with the usual restriction, calorie counting, exercise, etc. Trying to fit my body into my clothes from last year. Or to fight by just . . . . letting go. So much easier said than done, but sometimes when I’m so exhausted, I just wonder if I could do it.

Just eat. Just let myself eat, with no judgments. Let what happens to my body happen.

I bought the book above and am reading through it when my eating disorder is exhausting enough to consider other ways. The book tells you things you know, but it’s still good to read and be reminded. And to hear the science behind it. It’s truly an awesome book. And, you think, maybe I can do this?

But that brings up a scary question: Who am I without my eating disorder?

And: What if my “natural” weight isn’t one I like?

And: What if my boyfriend/everyone in the world doesn’t find me attractive?

The last one is where social justice kicks in for me. Because it isn’t fucking fair that we have these systems. Yes, I am genetically predisposed to have an eating disorder. Yes, trauma helped me find those synaptic pathways to cementing it. But I also don’t live in a vacuum: what is prized in this world for a woman is thinness. Prettiness. You’re not worth anything if you’re a woman, when all is said and done, unless you look good. Well. That blows.

Check out this video and let’s live this, goddamn it! 🙂

Pretty